Rimmer's Revenge
by Mr.Henry
Summary: Lister has pushed Rimmer too far... So Rimmer decides to get him back for good. ON HOLD.
1. Runaway

**RIMMER'S REVENGE.**

Second Technician, Arnold J. Rimmer rolled back his eyelids, and awoke to the painful sound of Dave Lister singing loudly, strumming tunelessly with his guitar. He swore that useless, infuriating, curry-eating slob did it on purpose.

"Lister... Stop." Rimmer began, stretching slowly as Lister strummed away.

"Lister... Please." Rimmer's voice rose an octave. Lister still strummed away, singing discordantly.

"LISTER, STOP IT THAT'S AN ORDER!" Rimmer screamed. Did that goit ever listen? he thought angrily.

Lister put his guitar down, and gave a satisfied smirk.

"Yes Mr. Arnold sir!" he retorted mockingly, with a silly salute. Rimmer sighed wearily, and sat at the table nearby.

"I don't know, how you honestly think your childish, immature jokes are going to effect me Lister?" Rimmer began.

Lister exhaled. Here we go again, he thought.

"They don't anyway, so why bother?" Rimmer continued, "When it does nothing whatsoever.

"Souper." Lister replied, with a light-hearted snigger. Rimmer's face turned red for a second, then he stormed out of the Sleeping Quarters.

Lister was enthralled, about tonight's prospects. The prospect of spending the night with Krissie Kochanski. Thoughts bubbled up inside him, that he couldn't suppress. He lay on his bunk. The minutes crawled by. The tension, and excitement grew as he glanced at the clock. Five minutes before... The night of his life. Lister fidgeted in anticipation, as he watched the clock. Four minutes. Three minutes. Two minutes. One Min-Lister darted out of the Sleeping Quarters, and stopped into a casual saunter. He was surprised he didn't wake Rimmer. As he reached Kochanski's Quarters, he could barely keep a steady stance. He peered in with a mischievious grin, from ear to ear. But...

"Hello?" Lister asked, with confusion. She wasn't there. Completely vanished. Gone. Lister looked around in worry. He was sure that she told him to meet her at this time. Lister double-checked his watch. No doubt about it. Lister exhaled and put his back against the wall.

"Alright dudes?" Holly asked cheerfully. Holly appeared on Lister's watch-face.

"No, Krissie's gone, she told me she'd be 'ere, but she's gone..." Lister replied sadly. Holly shook his head, and smile knowingly.

"You've been duped," Holly began, "Her and Rimmer left five minutes ago..."

Lister's face dropped into an angry frown.

"What...?" Lister asked, his face trembling with a mix of fear, and severe anger.

"They've gone, buggered off, took Blue Midget with 'em." Holly responded, still holding his cheery grin. Lister sighed wearily, with a stifled cry.

Lister walked slowly back to the Sleeping Quarters. They'd be far gone now. He climbed up the ladder to his bunk, and seated himself on it, weeping as did so.

"Wait a minute, what am I doin'?" Lister said to himself, "I should be out there gettin' her back!" his features moulding into an expression of realization. Suddenly, a familiar face flashed on the screen nearby. Rimmer. Arnold J. Smeggin' Rimmer.

"Ah, Listy, sorry to interrupt your sorrow, but I'm sure you all by now, that me and Krissie have abandoned ship, and we've taken Starbug with us, I understand this may have a problematic effect on you, since after all you are the last human being in the universe, dare I say that. But... Smeg you anyway..." Rimmer greeted with a satisfied smile, No words passed Lister's lips. Not even a mutter. Not even a small sigh of frustration. He just lay there in stunned silence. "Oh, and by the way," Rimmer added, "I've put your sweaty socks back in the hamper, just to be helpful..." Krissie then appeared beside him, with a happy smirk.

"We're not coming back Dave!" Krissie chuckled, muttering inaudibly into Rimmer's ear flirtatiously. Lister winced in disgust, and the message ended.

"My god, that's gross!" the Cat muttered. Lister sighed, and unfolded the note that was left in the Sleeping Quarters, before they had left. He'd already looked at it in all its disgusting glory. It was addressed to Rimmer, it said: "I think I'm ready now, it's our time Rimsy xx" Lister's face reddened, Rimsy? He tried to reassure himself, it was not the reason he thought it was. But he had a feeling. The feeling wasn't good. Lister picked up a bottle of alcohol from under his pillow, and took a long swig. Then, he dashed out into the corridor, and shot away into the direction of the Cargo Bay.

"Hey, where you going?" Cat shouted after him, but there was no reply.

"Open Cargo Bay doors, Hol..." Lister ordered angrily, seating himself in Blue Midget, taking another swig from his bottle.

"Are y'sure you should be driving pissed?" Holly questioned with concern.

"OPEN CARGO BAY DOORS! I AM NOT PISHED!" Lister retorted loudly, slamming his console in rage.

"Opening Cargo Bay doors..." Holly stated quietly, opened the doors, and Blue Midget flew out into the galaxy.

"Smeggin' hell, man," Lister sobbed, "She was part of me plan, Fuji, and we were going to have twins, you saw the Future Echo." Lister continued, "And now, that SMEGHEAD, has gone and taken the only one I ever loved-oh no, there they are... Smeggers!"

"Incoming message, Dave..." Holly yelled suddenly. The view-screen came into life, and Rimmer appeared once more, smiling smugly as before.

"Don't bother, you balloon-bellied space cookie," Rimmer muttered in anger, "Your pathetic, and it's; tragic, and now prepare yourself for the consequences, the times you shattered my confidence, my life, my career, now you'll see how you make me feel..." Rimmer continued with a low cackle. The message ended abruptly. Lister weeped, and slammed his head on the console.

"Hol..." Lister began to ask, holding back a cry, then he trailed off to find a horrible sight. "They've got a missile lock on us!" he spoke with surprise. Suddenly there was an almighty jolt, and Lister jumped back.

"We've been hit! Open communication channels!" Lister ordered in fright, "Rimmer, this is stupid, come back and we'll talk about this, back on the Dwarf!"

"Back on the Dwarf?" Rimmer replied mockingly, "It's too late for that..."

"Well, if you don't wanna be reasonable..." Lister finished, and closed communication channels, taking a heavy breath.

"Dave?" Holly questioned, with an anxious expression.

"I can't do it," Lister moaned, "I can't kill her, I've got to let her g-" Lister was cut as their craft was struck again. The console exploded, and Lister jet to the back of his seat, then slid to the floor in defeat. Another missile was ejected from Starbug, and took out Holly, who by now had cowered off the screen. Lister lay on his side, coughing wearily, as the sparks showered his body.

"Smeg..." Lister murmured, his eyes now bleary. Starbug finally aimed another shot at Blue Midget. Starbug exploded, it's shell, including its interior was destroyed by the blast. Rimmer put his arm around Kochanski. They gazed at each other in happiness. Krissie's eyes gleamed, as Rimmer pulled her closer towards him. Krissie giggled, and clutched his torso. Then they kissed passionately, wrapping their arms around each other tightly. Whilst they were reveling in their ecstasy, they'd not realized that no-one was piloting the craft. Also another thing they had not realized was the rocky outcrop of the planet in their path. Starbug crashed through into the planet's atmosphere, and slammed into the ground. Krissie gave one last laugh and died, slipping swiftly out of Rimmer's arms, both falling to the floor on impact. Rimmer's body twitched. He clutched his head, and began to whimper like a child. There was no chance, he was going to be rescued in the middle of deep space. And the one he'd loved was dead. And his friend betrayed, and also dead. Rimmer reached into his stomach, and extracted his light-bee. His image flickered into nothingness. There was nothing here for him anymore. And as usual, it was all his fault.


	2. Coping

The Cat seated himself in the Sleeping Quarters, at a nearby table. Waiting. Waiting for them to return. Lister had not returned since last night, and now three weeks had passed. Kryten dawdled in with the Breakfast Tray.

"Breakfast is served, Mr. List..." Kryten trailed off, "Oh, of course, silly me..." Kryten realized and backed out again. The Cat exhaled, as Kryten came slowly with the Breakfast Tray again.

"Krispies, Mr. Cat?" Kryten asked sadly. The Cat's face lit up like a neon sign.

"Krispies!" The Cat exclaimed, snatching them off Kryten, and licking them up. The Cat glanced up, and realized what was happening. Kryten was sobbing hoarsely.

"I know how you feel, bud," The Cat reassured, "He's gone..." Cat's calming tone, dropped into a downtrodden cry.

"I remember the times when I enjoyed the laundry," Kryten began, "Trying to scrub off his curry stains, for atleast five hours, the size of meteorite, it was laundry heaven..." Kryten wept, as a dubious Cat finished his Krispies.

"Yeah, but now he's gone off after Goalpost Head," The Cat added, "The smeghead went off with his lover, buddy..." Kryten's features became distorted.

"You mean Mr. Rimmer...?" Kryten asked treading to hear the answer.

"Yeah..." The Cat retorted turning to a nauseous Kryten.

"Urh, that's sick-sick-sick!" Kryten yelled, "Mr. Rimmer, Miss Kochanski are..." Kryten coughed over the end of his sentence, and left the Sleeping Quarters in disgust.

"Yum, hey good Krispies!" Cat yelled after him, "I'm thinking about going into Statis, nothing's happening, so I don't wanna waste my remaining time, as the best-dressed entity in all known six universes!" Kryten stopped, and headed back into the Sleeping Quarters.

"But Mr. Cat, if you go I'll be alone..." Kryten said melancholily, "Well there's the toaster..." Kryten paused in despair, "Come on sir..." Kryten finished, strolling out into the corridor. The Cat grinned, combed his hair, and followed after.

Kryten, and the Cat stood outside the Statis Booth.

"Now, Mr. Cat, are you sure you want to go through with this?" Kryten asked anxiously.

"Yeah, buddy, for atleast eleven months, then I'll get back to you, open it up!" The Cat replied happily. Kryten opened the booth and Cat strolled casually inside.

"Activate the Statis Field..." Kryten ordered, and shut the door carefully.

"So long bu-" The Cat began to say but was cut off, as the Statis Field activated. He froze. Kryten began to sob, and walked off towards the Skutters, who were adding a new layer of paint to the ship.

"Chop, chop!" Kryten commanded, and clapped his hands in motivation. And now he was alone.

Kryten sat back down in the Sleeping Quarters there for a moment, unsure of what to do.

"Hi there, Talkie Toaster, would anybody like any toast?" The voice of Talkie Toaster sounded. Kryten glanced at the Breakfast Appliance, sitting on the sideboard.

"No thank you..." Kryten muttered angrily.

"A bagal, a cheese and ham ravel?" the Toaster chirped enthusiastically. Kryten frowned, and stared forlornly at nothing in particular.

"I have no desire for any particular bread-based meal. Please do not ask me again." Kryten retorted, glaring at the Toaster. Kryten couldn't help but think he shouldn't have let Cat into Statis. Eleven months with only a unfortunately infuriating Toaster is no more than anybody could stand. Kryten exhaled, and picked up the Toaster steadily.

"Hey, what's this your doing?" the Toaster protested, as Kryten strolled away from the Sleeping Quarters. The Toaster later was flushed out an airlock. Now Kryten was more or less alone. It was only fair to go and look for them, he thought, pacing to the Cargo Bay. That's what I'll do, he decided, and climbed into another Blue Midget.

Kryten zoomed out of Red Dwarf, as quickly as he decided to look for them. Soon, he came across a Barren Planet, that had the right Breathing Compatibility for a human being. Such as Lister. Kryten flew down to the Rocky Outcrop, and landed smoothly. He then crept out trying to maintain his steadiness, and saw a small green bug-like craft ahead of him.

"Oh no..." Kryten yelled, and hurtled over to the wreckage of Starbug. Carefully, he climbed inside, and found himself in the Cockpit Section. Lying on the floor was Krissie Kochanski, and Arnold Rimmer's Light-Bee. Kryten took a double-take of Kochanski's body. She was dead. Horror shivered up Kryten's back. He located the Light-Bee. Picking it up he could see that it had sustained low damage. Kryten gazed tragically at her lifeless body. She had brought it on herself, and now fortunately she could put Lister through no more pain. Kryten turned the Light-Bee back on, and through it into where he was last. Rimmer's image flickered into life, and Kryten trod on his foot in exasperation.

"Your sick! Sick-Sick Smee. Smee. Smeghead!..." Kryten hollered, grinning for a second as he finally got it correct, as Rimmer stared surprised at his outrage.

"Kryten, listen here for a mo..." Rimmer responded, but Kryten was having none of it.

"Look what you did, sir," Kryten glanced at Krissie's body, "What started out as a ploy to get back at Mr. Lister has ended in death, you smee. I suggest we bury poor Miss Kochanski, and I shall escort you back to Red Dwarf, you have a lot to say for yourself... SICK!" Rimmer whined, as Kryten led him away. They spoke no words, but the looks said it all. Rimmer had genuinely felt sorry for what he'd done, where as Kryten was too angered to notice. They slammed their shovels onto the planet's surface and began to dig speedily. When they'd dug deep enough, they carried Krissie's body from the Bug.

"Stop..." Rimmer ordered, wiping tears from his eyes. He lay Krissie's body down for a moment, and held her hand, "Goodbye Krissie..." he whispered affectionately, and kissed her palm softly.

"Mr. Rimmer sir-" Kryten said sympathetically.

"Shut up you metal moron!" Rimmer interrupted, with an upset expression.

"I suggest I guide you back to Red Dwarf, sir..." Kryten suggested, picking up the body and placing it in the ground. Rimmer silently picked up his shovel once more, and buried Krissie Kochanski.


	3. Argument

Blue Midget, landed softly at the Cargo Bay. Kryten, still distraught walked out, and down the steps, glancing angrily back at Rimmer, who was lagging behind a little.

Halfway through a corridor, Rimmer halted, and turned to Kryten.

"Kryten..." Rimmer began, "I need to tell you something, but remember I am sorry, I am deeply sorry, I was stupid..." Kryten eyes fixed on a quivering Rimmer.

"Go on Mr. Rimmer..." Kryten responded sternly. Rimmer took a deep breath. He was still dubious whether to tell Kryten, or wait for him to cotton on to the agonizing truth later. But now he couldn't back out.

"Lister, I killed him..." Rimmer explained sadly. Kryten stood stunned, at what had been confessed.

"Y-y-you kill-kill-killed him, sir?" Kryten asked, shocked still.

"I blew him out of the sky." Rimmer answered still sad in expression, "Well he wouldn't stop playing that damn guitar-"

"SO YOU KILLED HIM, SIR?" Kryten bellowed in anger.

"He'd mocked my life, my career, I was fed up of those horrific days, as that curry-eating potato grinded away at my confidence, he shattered my dreams, people I respected the most, and... The people I loved... He spoiled my happiness, why does he always get the girl? I felt deep love for Krissie, but all he felt for her was just a schoolboy crush! And the only thing he wanted her for was well..." Rimmer tried to explain, but Kryten didn't have time to listen. He walked away with his head in his hands.

"KRYTEN... KRYTEN... KRYTEN!" Rimmer screamed after him till his lungs were fit to burst, "I'm sorry..." he whimpered, and collapsed in a heap on the floor. Kryten spun around and pointed at Rimmer, his finger trembling.

"Sorry sir?" Kryten asked in anger, "Sorry, huh, well your still a smee heee." Rimmer lay out on the solid floor. Tears flooded his eyes, as he his hand reached out into the air for Kryten to return. But he didn't.

Kryten strolled in the direction of Z Deck. The trip took a long while. When he finally got there, he recognized his surroundings immediately. This was the only time he was ever really happy. Alone. In the broom cupboard. It was sad in a way. Lister had said he needed a holiday, and so he came here. Lister. Kryten smiled. He had good memories with him. His highlights of the day was bringing in his Breakfast Tray, with a large portion of curry. He also enjoyed serving lunch to Lister, a large portion of curry. And finally, was bringing in his dinner, a large portion of curry.

"Smeg..." Rimmer muttered, his saddened features melting in anger, "SMEG YOU ANYWAY YOU NOVELTY CONDOM HEAD, SMEG YOU!" he hollered, and picked himself up. Rimmer exhaled, and turned into the Sleeping Quarters. Slowly, he fell weakly onto the floor. He crawled to his bunk, but all the energy had been sucked out of him. Why was I stupid? Rimmer thought, and slumped wearily onto the floor. On the floor, his eyes got a clear view of his most treasured Hammond Organ. He remembered the times when whilst the rest of the crew were having a Curry Night, usually getting drunk. Well always getting drunk. Rimmer would sometimes stay, and pull it out of it's spot, gathering dust, and play a few heartening tunes. And he was going to do that now. He placed the organ on the table, and began to play. The time passed by, while Rimmer played the organ, smiling happily. Kryten was still remaining at the broom cupboard, trying to have fun, but couldn't help sob. The Skutters finished off the last layer of paint. And Rimmer had now finished his encore. Rimmer tried to maintain his grin, but couldn't help weep for Krissie. And for Lister. Why was I so stupid? he thought to himself. And that was his last thought, before he went to bed. And was turned off. Forever.


	4. Silicon Hell

Kryten stood and unsteady stance, beside the trash unit. In his hand, Rimmer's Light-Bee. Thoughts struck Kryten's head, that were ingeniously wicked. Kryten tried to resist the temptation.

"No-no-no..." Kryten muttered to himself, "I could..." He contemplated mischievously. Kryten's arm began to shake undecidedly swaying in one direction, and shooting back to the other. Rimmer's life was in the balance. Kryten's hand shot out to the trash unit, opening it, then flushing Rimmer's Light-Bee away. Kryten stood in silence. Rimmer had killed the last two human beings in the universe, all from a fault of himself. Which led to Kryten's decision to flush him away...

Kryten should've expected for his hyper-active guilt to come streaming through him. Kryten groaned, as it happened, and retired to the Cleaning Supplies Cupboard to consult his Spare Heads.

"I've just executed the most horrible thought!" Kryten squeaked, his features crunching together. The Spare Heads turned to each other in an inaudible chatter. After a while they stopped, and spun back to Kryten.

"What did you do?" Spare Head 1 questioned. Kryten stared down at the floor in guilt.

"I kill-kill-killed Mr. Rimmer..." Kryten replied guiltily. Spare Head 2 fixed his eyes on him with shock.

"Yeah, well done killin' 'im, I'm sick of that ponce swaggering about with 'is H, bloody coward's got no balls!" Spare Head 3 said in approval.

"You took a life?" Spare Head 2 asked in anger, "Mechanoids are not supposed to kill." Kryten glanced up at Spare Head 2.

"I'm so ashamed," Kryten responded, "I did for Mr. Lister..."

"You have broken the most vital rule for all mechanoids Kryten..." Spare Head 1 said quietly.

"But you don't understand-" Kryten yelled in defense.

"You took a life." Spare Head 2 snapped with rage. Kryten's head sunk low.

"He was already dead anyway, just he had the ability to talk, walk, and be a darn Smeeeeee... Heeeeee..." Kryten shouted in infuriation. Spare Head 1's eyes widened in surprise.

"Kryten, I am appalled with you, you are a disgrace to the 4000 Series, be gone!" Spare Head 1 bellowed. Kryten exhaled heftily, and sauntered away casually. All of a sudden, Kryten heard a low rumble pass through the ship. Intrigued, Kryten darted around the ship, but found nothing to avail. Then as Kryten strolled down to the Cargo Bay, he spotted a small craft landing. Almost instantly an unspeakable sight met his eyes. A monstrous figure trudged towards him. Yellow liquid streaming of his grey dull, silver-plated body. It's face studded with sharp spikes. It's eyes dark, and menacing.

"Kryten 2X4B 523P?" The beastly figure questioned, it's voice echoing around the Bay.

"Yes..." Kryten responded worriedly. The figure straightened, and stared at the Mechanoid.

"You are at the end of your Service Life," The figure began, "You have been judged, and I advice you to come with me..." Kryten backed away, but the figure reappeared behind him.

"Please..." Kryten whimpered, falling to his knees.

"You won't escape this time," the figure cackled, "Your fate awaits you..." The figure finished. Kryten screamed, but it didn't change anything. The next thing he knew he was in a dark, musty room, with blank walls. A small red light glowed from the ceiling. Nothing else. Other mechanoids similar to himself surrounded him. Screaming in desperation from below. Kryten was standing on the edge of a bloody wall. Kryten peered down to see a roaring pit of fire beneath him. Suddenly he felt a cold entity from behind. Kryten turned to see a hideous monster before him. Its outer shell was a dark red, it's hands like tentacles. It's face was covered in dents, and damage. It was a mechanoid, similar to himself, hunched over muttering incohorently.

"Kryten 2X4B 523P, I welcome you to Silicon Hell." A voice croaked deeply.


	5. 11 Months Later

**After Eleven Months, the Cat emerges from Statis, only to find things have changed a little...**

11 Months Later...

The Booth opened, and out swaggered the Cat, emerging from Statis.

"Woh-weee!" Cat howled, dancing round the ship, "Eleven months, and I look sensational, WOOOWWW-ohhhh..."

Red Dwarf was engulfed with fire. It was a blazing inferno.

"What's happening?" The Cat asked to thin air. Cat dashed down the burning corridor, and turned to the Dispenser.

"What's going on, buddy?" The Cat asked with confusion.

"Oh what was it, I've been given strict instructions to advice you to head to the Cleaning Cupboard..." The Dispenser began, "In there you will find an sort of thingy-mobob thing, pick it up, fourth button..."

"What, fourth button, cleaning cupboard...?" Cat asked confused, but to no reply. Cat nodded, and raced down to the Cleaning Cupboard.

"Thingy-mobob thing?" Cat questioned to himself, looking around at the burning Spare Heads. "Ah... What's this?" The Cat asked to thin air, picking up a cuboid-like object. Turning it over, he located four small buttons.

"Fourth button..." The Cat realized, and pressed his thumb down onto the button. In a flash, Cat's body shot itself through the galaxy. Stars twinkled, and shattered rapidly, as his vision became a next thing, Cat knew was when he awoke. Back on Red Dwarf. Only... It wasn't a blazing inferno. Cat glanced up to see footsteps running down the corridor.

"So you made it skipper..." Ace greeted to a puzzled Cat.

"Where am I buddy?" Cat questioned wearily.

"What's wrong with him?" Rimmer snorted, appearing beside him.

"He's travelled a whole dimension, it's normal to feel a little confused." Ace answered.

"Wha...?" The Cat murmured. His body seemed like it was floating away, then came crashing down with a low thud. Kryten walked in with Lister, and Kochanski who began dragging him out of the cupboard.

"I was saved from Silicon Hell, by Ace Rimmer sirs, who arrived as I began to depart, rebooted me, updating my core files, then we came under attack, which I'll explain later-I'm as fit as a fiddle, or so to put it..." Kryten explained, "Then he displayed this little thing you have there sir, a dimension adapter, transporting and adapting your body to different dimensions, I had a run of it, and ended here sir, then I found that we were-are you alright sir? You look a bit queasy, sir?"

"I don't think he understands and earth of what your gibbering about Kryten, you metal moron!" Rimmer interrupted, "Now if they haven't explained to you yet, then we are in a bit of a crisis..."


End file.
